I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
