Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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