I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
