I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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