So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
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