Moan for me like Helen Keller
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
