Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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