Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize