ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
