I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
