I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
