you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
