i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
