hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I intend to get homeless drunk
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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