I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
