I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
