The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
