I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
