Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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