When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
