it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
