so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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