At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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