you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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