nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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