Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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