I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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