I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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