I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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