mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
