goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
