I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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