Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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