Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize