This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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