Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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