her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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