I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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