the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
