I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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