I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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