I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
