My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I need water and some morals
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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