Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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