obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
