yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
