im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
