I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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