Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You ate ashes out of my bong
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
