my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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