Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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