I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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