half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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