Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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