I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
