your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
