the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
