brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
