Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize