my soul wont recognize me after tonight
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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