does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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