I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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