dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
