The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
