Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
