What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
