all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
