Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
