I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
