Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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