I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
