You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
